I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
