I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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