I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
