Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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