the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
