so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
