My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
