i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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