Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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