The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
