I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
