sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
