I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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