my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
