The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
