But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
