I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
