Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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