you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
