I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
