Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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