the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
