I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
