so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
