He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
