saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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