i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
