i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
