My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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