I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
