The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
