I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
