whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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