Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
