we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
