Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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