I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just pee around me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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