The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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