I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
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