i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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