Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
