I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
