my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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