youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
