i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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