I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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