he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
