between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
