The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
