I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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