I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
