just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
