remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
