The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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