it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
