Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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