Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
