It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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